The Larson Family

I’ve been giving our Netflix a workout, preparing for a quickly approaching day when my wife no longer works at the Cable Company. Soon, our free cable will be disconnected and we’ll be back to watching a lot of movies.

So I recently decided to start ordering all the old movies I loved. I’m here to tell you, there’s a vast conspiracy going on in Hollywood right now. Someone is running around replacing all the great movies I loved as a teenager with weak facsimiles full of bad acting, hokie plots, and abrupt endings.

For example, The Last American Virgin. Remember this movie? A high school outcast, still a virgin, falls in love with the pretty girl. His friends make it their mission to get him some action, and yet somehow he always misses out. I remember this movie as being good. So who replaced it with this crappy B-movie?

You want another example? How about Hot Dog: The Movie? I remember the first time I saw Out Cold, I thought to myself, “Hot Dog: The Movie was much better.” I was wrong. More bad acting, weak action sequences… and the music… Oh God, the eighties synth music is maddening. Laughter inducing. Somehow, Rhonda Shear made these movies more tolerable on USA’s Up All Night. Either that, or someone has replaced all the original movies with these shoddy adaptations. I’m now scared to move Weekend at Bernies to the top of my rental queue.